Monday, November 4, 2013

Why I'm here...Biggest Loser 1

This Saturday was the first weigh in for the biggest loser challenge.
I wasn't sure I was going to do this.
Not because I don't want to lose weight
Not because I didn't think it would be fun
Because I was scared people wouldn't want me to do it.
I know that sounds crazy
I am a seemingly small person. (that makes me sound like a little person which I am not haha)
I'm 5 foot tall (on a good day) and my official weight was 134.8
While that may not seem like a lot.
I am not comfortable with it
Not because of the number because honestly the number doesn't bother me,
But because when I look in the mirror it's  not how I want to look or feel.
I'm a size 4-6 and yes I am aware this is small and that there are a lot of people out there that strive for this.
The fear of people looking at me and thinking
" why are you here you are already skinny"
Has held me back for so long.
I never joined weight watcher because I didn't want the looks or the comments 
Or the lack of support
Maybe no one would even think that and maybe it's all in my head but I just couldn't do it
I have long heard the comments from family and friends telling me I have no reason to go on a diet, or that I'm making them feel bad about themselves.
I felt guilty and embarrassed.
I didn't want to eat differently because I was sick of hearing I was picky.
I kept quite about my goals because I didn't want the judgement.
Until now
My dreams are stronger than my anxiety and I'm trying really hard not to give a shit what people think 
Or at least what I think they think
I'm not doing this for anyone else.
I am doing it for me.
Well me and my children.
I want them to know eating healthy is okay.
It's okay to be active
and it's more than okay to follow your dreams.

I also promised I would be upfront and honest and bare it all
I wasn't going to show my before pictures, because I don't love looking at them, but I also was afraid of the possible lack of suppport, but going along with my not giving a shit...
here they are

My before pictures 

And yet I still feel like I have to say
"See I am fat" 
I hate that I feel like I have to prove that I'm overweight just to find support. 
I may not have as much to lose as other people but my struggles are just as hard 
I don't want to go to the gym
I like pasta sandwiches dipped in butter cheese sauce washed down by a Dr.Pepper.
I want to eat candy and cupcakes on the couch while I watch trashy reality tv.
I also want to compete in a Bikini Competition
I don't want to be stick thin
I don't want to be a size zero
I want to be comfortable
And proud 
That means more to me than any number 
So that's why I am doing what I am doing 
For me 
Everyone's journey is worth support and encouragement 
So I'm asking for yours. 
Find me on myfitnesspal ( candra_ellen) and call me on my shit
If you see a cupcake on there ask me if it was worth it. 
Every Monday I will post my weight from my weigh in so make sure you check in.
In 10 weeks I'll post another set of pictures. They won't be my "after" pictures, because there is no such thing.
The journey never ends.
I hope you'll join me on mine. 

Don't forget to come back tomorrow for our first This or That link up!!

Here are the questions. 
  • A night without the kids, or a night with well behaved kids
  • Full on tantrum in the grocery store, or tantrum in the movie theater
  • Runny nose, runny bum
  • Self done haircut, self done sharpie tattoo


    1. I feel you. People ask me or tell me all the time that I should be "done" losing weight and that I don't need to anymore. How does anyone else know what's good for you besides YOU. People sometimes made me feel like I was doing something unhealthy or that I was malnourished while in reality I was probably being healthier than the person criticizing me. Good luck girl! I can't wait to see how this goes for you. :)

    2. There is nothing wrong with a healthy lifestyle no matter what size you are. We all have issues with our bodies. You have to do what you comfortable with and that is healthy. Don't let others dictate what or how you should do something. No one has any right to give you crap about that. I can't wait to see your results in the next few weeks. I just sent you a request on MFP. Let's support each other!!!

    3. I'm in the same boat as you...5' 2" and 131 lbs and people are telling me that I am skinny already and don't need to do anything, but I don't feel good about myself, yet. Today you've inspired me to take before pictures and post them so I can be held accountable. Thank you for the inspiration!

    4. I've got 30 pounds on you def understand! I'm over looking at the scale and what size my clothes are. I want to be fit and toned and generally just healthy. There are plenty of size 0s that are basically skinny fat so size means absolutely nothing and I def understand where you're coming from. It's about where you want to be and what works for you! Good luck and thanks for linking up!

    5. I wish I looked half as good as your before pics!!! Let's do this!!

    6. I love this post! Love it!!! It's no one else's journey, but yours! I think you look great, but totally get you wanting more for yourself! It doesn't matter what anyone else says, cause no one else feels your feelings. Good luck, I can't wait to see your progress!

    7. I'm so sorry for your lack of support. My mom is constantly saying to me "you aren't trying to lose any more are you?" I just look at her in amazement. While I know that the 10 sizes I've come down is kinda shocking some times, I by no means am too skinny. I'm still at the top of a healthy BMI range and not even in single digit pants.

      You definitely have my support, there is so much more to getting healthy than just losing weight and pant sizes!


    8. Nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy, no matter what size you are. Get it girl!

    9. You have my total support! You need encouragement as much as anyone. I have people telling me that I have lost enough weight and I shouldn't be dieting anymore. I want to lose about 10 more pounds. I am barely into a normal BMI and I want to get well into it. I still won't be on the lower end, but at my age I'm okay with it. I am working out at the gym and walking. I want to be healthy!!!! I understand what you are feeling! Don't apologize for wanting to be healthy.

    10. OHHHHH Girl!....You know I somewhat know how you feel! I of course am not as "tiny" or "petite" as you, however I truly believe that we all have our own demons, and we all have our own struggles and no one's are any more trying than anybody else's. I am "blessed" with hiding my weight well! I am thankfully 5'7" or I would be like a dang bowling ball!

      I am so proud of you for putting yourself out there! You have just pushed me to "compete" not with anyone else but with myself! I want to prove to myself that I can actually follow through this time. I want people to say holy shit she did it!....I am so sorry that you have to feel the need to prove you are "fat" although you are not, you are beautiful!

      Its very frustrating when others cast their own insecurities onto others and force them into guilt because they can't face their own issues! Stay strong girl! You are doing this for the right reasons! you are the one who lives in your body, don't let anyone else try to guilt you into unhealthy habits!


    11. I have to say, it's really interesting to read a post from someone who feels the need to defend their weight loss goals. I'm a firm believer that EVERYONE has their own weight loss goals, and [as long as they're healthy] who am I to judge someone whose starting point is my ultimate goal? Every journey is different, and I hope that people around you will support you no matter what. Agree with what Betty said above, "don't apologize for wanting to be healthy!"

    12. You go girl! I applaud you for doing what you need to do and not letting that fear hold you back anymore. You're my hero! We're all on our own journeys and shouldn't compare ourselves with others but it just is how we are as a society. I wish you the best and I'm always just a blog away if you want any support or to chat!
      xoxoxox - kaara

    13. I dont know how I have never stumbled across your blog, but I am SOOO glad I did, and If I wasnt at work, I would totally read your whole blog right now :) I think this post is awesome, for one - once we realize that this is for us (and our kids) and no one else, that's when the decision is made to lead a healthier life, in my opinion - so cheers to you lady, do the damn thing and not for anyone else, for you :)

    14. I'm a little late to the comment party here (then again, I'm late to pretty much every party!). It turns out you and I are just about the same size. I'm just about 2 inches taller though! (wow, I never get to say that!) I've run into the same issues you're talking about. In the same week that 2 people asked if I was pregnant (I wasn't!!) I had other people telling me I didn't need to lose weight. I've finally found a wonderful trainer and a great group of people to help me on my journey. I really hope this works for you!