Why I'm here...Biggest Loser 1

This Saturday was the first weigh in for the biggest loser challenge.

I wasn't sure I was going to do this.

Not because I don't want to lose weight

Not because I didn't think it would be fun

Because I was scared people wouldn't want me to do it.

I know that sounds crazy
I am a seemingly small person. (that makes me sound like a little person which I am not haha)

I'm 5 foot tall (on a good day) and my official weight was 134.8

While that may not seem like a lot.

I am not comfortable with it

Not because of the number because honestly the number doesn't bother me,

But because when I look in the mirror it's  not how I want to look or feel.

I'm a size 4-6 and yes I am aware this is small and that there are a lot of people out there that strive for this.

The fear of people looking at me and thinking

" why are you here you are already skinny"

Has held me back for so long.

I never joined weight watcher because I didn't want the looks or the comments 

Or the lack of support

Maybe no one would even think that and maybe it's all in my head but I just couldn't do it
I have long heard the comments from family and friends telling me I have no reason to go on a diet, or that I'm making them feel bad about themselves.
I felt guilty and embarrassed.
I didn't want to eat differently because I was sick of hearing I was picky.
I kept quite about my goals because I didn't want the judgement.

Until now

My dreams are stronger than my anxiety and I'm trying really hard not to give a shit what people think 

Or at least what I think they think
I'm not doing this for anyone else.
I am doing it for me.
Well me and my children.
I want them to know eating healthy is okay.
It's okay to be active
and it's more than okay to follow your dreams.

I also promised I would be upfront and honest and bare it all
I wasn't going to show my before pictures, because I don't love looking at them, but I also was afraid of the possible lack of suppport, but going along with my not giving a shit...
here they are

My before pictures 

And yet I still feel like I have to say

"See I am fat" 

I hate that I feel like I have to prove that I'm overweight just to find support. 

I may not have as much to lose as other people but my struggles are just as hard 

I don't want to go to the gym
I like pasta sandwiches dipped in butter cheese sauce washed down by a Dr.Pepper.
I want to eat candy and cupcakes on the couch while I watch trashy reality tv.
I also want to compete in a Bikini Competition

I don't want to be stick thin

I don't want to be a size zero

I want to be comfortable

And proud 

That means more to me than any number 

So that's why I am doing what I am doing 

For me 

Everyone's journey is worth support and encouragement 

So I'm asking for yours. 

Find me on myfitnesspal ( candra_ellen) and call me on my shit

If you see a cupcake on there ask me if it was worth it. 

Every Monday I will post my weight from my weigh in so make sure you check in.
In 10 weeks I'll post another set of pictures. They won't be my "after" pictures, because there is no such thing.
The journey never ends.
I hope you'll join me on mine. 

Don't forget to come back tomorrow for our first This or That link up!!

Here are the questions. 

A night without the kids, or a night with well behaved kids

Full on tantrum in the grocery store, or tantrum in the movie theater

Runny nose, runny bum

Self done haircut, self done sharpie tattoo